The End of the Beginning
by Voyfemme
Summary: When Chakotay dies, Captain Janeway learns important lessons about him, her 23 year old journey and about herself JC, PT, D, K, TuPairing:JC, PT, D, K, TuRating: PG13Type of Story: MushLevel: 3
1. Chapter 1

**Part 25: The End of the Beginning**

Summary:

When Chakotay dies, Captain Janeway learns important lessons about him, her 23 year old journey and about herself (J/C, P/T, D, K, Tu)

_Pairing:_J/C, P/T, D, K, Tu _Rating_: PG-13 _Type of Story:_ Mush _Level_: 3

* * *

**Part 25: The End of the Beginning**

"……_..I don't regret one single moment of it, and I don't regret any of my decisions. This is the journey that I had been destined to take, the family that I was destined to have, and you the man I was destined to have at my side to make it possible. No matter what happens when we get home I will never regret one single moment, not even the bad times."_

"Admiral?"

Kathryn jumped. She hadn't even realized that she had zoned out while the Doctor was talking to her. It was just that what he was telling her was almost too much to bear.

"I'm sorry Doctor, what were you saying?" Kathryn focused on the Doctor once more who had a look of pain on his face. She knew that it wasn't just because the news he was delivering was causing her pain, but because the loss that was about to occur was going to affect him also. More than anyone would have ever expected it to. He continued with his voice low.

"Chakotay's muscles in his legs are beginning to deteriorate rapidly and pretty soon the disease will spread upwards…" The Doctor was using an explanation to soften the blow. Who would have thought that he could have developed such a bedside manner when he was first activated 24 years ago?

"How long?" She demanded.

"About two weeks, three weeks on the outside for the last two phases to manifest themselves. There isn't anything more that I can do for him besides keep him comfortable." The Doctor's voice was soft as he gave the explanation and then it caught at the end of it. Kathryn understood. Feeling helpless was not something that the Doctor suffered well and neither did she.

"He wants to talk to you."

Kathryn took a deep breath and tuned the handle to the door of the room and went in. The room was quiet and a large one in Starfleet Medical. A Captain would deserve no less than that. She could see that it was already adorned with flowers and Kia fruit. She had sent the three arrangements and the fruit via subspace as soon as she had heard he had been hospitalized. She was in a conference with the Bhagerians during the most delicate part of the negotiations. That was two days ago. Because of the nature of the negotiations, she had held all her sub-space communications until the end of the session and hadn't received notification of his condition until Chakotay was hospitalized for about a day. It was a good thing. She would have left them as soon as she had heard even if it was in the middle of a session and made her way back to Earth. She also thanked the Spirits that he hadn't died before she got there. It would be one more death on her conscience and one more decision in the long list of decisions that she would have never forgiven herself for.

The flowers were carnations. They were her favorite flower. When they were married, he had replicated eight bouquets to adorn their quarters on their honeymoon. A spasm of pain went through Kathryn as she looked at the blossoms. It always did when she thought of Annika Hansen, Seven of Nine tertiary adjunct of Unimatrix 01, his wife; her adopted daughter. She fought to keep that particular feeling of loss at bay. Now more than ever he needed her to be strong. He needed her to be the First Officer and to look out for the Captain and protect him, even from himself.

As she had failed to do for both of them long before.

The man on the bed was a shadow of the man who had stood at her side for twenty three years. He looked pale, the disease robbing him of his natural brown pigmentation which told of his earthly heritage. His eyes were closed. He was resting. Kathryn willed her feet to go to his side. He had deteriorated so much after she had left for the conference. He had looked so healthy when she last saw him, the disease not having robbed him of much yet, so alive………but not full of life. He hadn't been that in a long time. A part of him died when his wife of three years died in his arms on Voyager, and he was never the same again.

_And neither was I._

She took one of his hands. They seemed to have shrunk. Were these the same hands that had held hers so many times, so many years ago? When they were both still so optimistic and hopeful for their journey? When they were lucky enough that even though the destination was so far away, they still had each other? When the senior team was in tact? They didn't seem to be. They were shaking slightly.

She covered the one with another of her own as if to offer him up in prayer. And perhaps in a way she was doing so.

Slowly he opened his eyes and when he saw her, he smiled. The reaction was instantaneous. She returned it and at once she felt a tightening sensation in her mouth. She hadn't smiled like that in a long time and her muscles were protesting. It was also the first time in years that she had seen that particular calm smile on his face. He had smiled so little in their last few years of their journey that she had remembered each and every time.

"I didn't think that you would make it." He said quietly.

"You know I always keep my promises."

The smile was back, but it was sadder this time as he replied.

"I know."

"How long?" Chakotay demanded of her. He could have asked the Doctor, but she had a feeling that he wanted to hear it from his Captain.

"Two weeks, three tops."

"So you'll get to do this all over again then, huh?"

She knew what he was trying to do. He was trying to lighten the mood and to remind her that he was going to have a little time again to live and that she didn't have to punish herself for putting strangers ahead of her crew, her own people this time. But what he didn't know is that it was too late for that…….or maybe it wasn't.

The Doctor picked that time to come in. Normally he would make some sort of banter and some light comment about his patient needing to rest, but he didn't. He went about his scans quickly and quietly. And he did it around her, knowing that she would not break the physical bond that she had made with her best friend by holding hands. When he was finished he said simply.

"You need to rest Captain and you'll need constant medical care during those upcoming weeks. I will start making plans to have you stay here…."

"No!"

Both Kathryn and the Doctor studied Chakotay intently as he cut into their conversation. That response was not only unexpected, but the most forceful that they heard in a while.

"I want to go home. That is where I want to die. Not in this hospital, not among strangers, but amongst friends,……_family_." He looked pointedly at Kathryn.

"Admiral?" The Doctor turned to her.

Kathryn was being haunted by a sense of déjà vu. How many times on Voyager had there been disagreements between Chakotay and the Doctor, Tuvok and the Doctor when they decided to go on dangerous Visions Quests, dangerous Mind Melds or perform some other action that may adversely affect their health and the Doctor had looked to her as the person to side with him. She couldn't think of a single time when she hadn't sided with them against the Doctor for the safety of her ship and crew. Although Voyager was now a museum and the crew that made it home was not under her command any more, she didn't disappoint.

"Doctor, I think that Chakotay has the right to die, however and wherever he chooses."

Her voice wavered a bit when she spoke of the inevitable and even though she was concentrating on the Doctor, she felt an increase in the pressure of her hands. Chakotay was showing her his gratitude.

"Very well, I'll begin making arrangements for his transport. Admiral, he will need a nurse……."

"I'll take care of everything."

The Doctor took a long look at her and satisfied that she was OK mentally for now, he left the room.

"Kathryn." She turned towards him at the sound of his voice. "Thank you."

With her free hand, she smoothed his hair. It had become grey specked over the years in the Delta Quadrant, but in the last year, it had turned snow white. She did something else that she hadn't done in a while. She traced his tattoo slowly, lovingly lost in the memories that the action was bringing. She felt a slight tremble when she started which hadn't been there before. She knew that it wasn't the disease but her actions that were causing it. Chakotay was staring at her with haunted eyes. When she had finished he said,

"Thank you for the flowers. I know how hard it must be for you to see them…..to remember her."

Kathryn had rested her palm on his cheek when she had finished tracing his tattoo. And as she leaned over him and smiled, she realized that he was crying. She felt the wetness running down her cheeks and realized that she was doing the same thing.

* * *

"I'm sorry, but we can't release you for three months Admiral."

"Then I resign."

"Admiral, I know that this last year has been difficult and I understand that your former first Officer, Captain Chakotay is gravely ill, but we can't let that stop us from seeing the big picture. To quote Ambassador Spock, the needs of the many…….."

It was without a doubt, the single most damaging statement that he could have made to his case.

"Admiral, I am not Vulcan, and I don't give a damn about the Bhagerians, or Ambassador Spock or duty at the expense of friendship anymore. Fifteen years ago, you may have had better luck with that argument but as it stands now, my position is clear."

Kathryn stood up and placing her palms flat down on the table as she spoke to the Vulcan Admiral, her face four inches from his and her eyes blazing, pinning his characteristic blank stare with her crazed one.

"I'm going to Appalachia City tonight. Tomorrow, I expect to hear from you whether my leave has been approved. I will be free for the next two days from 08:00 to noon, to brief anyone to take over my current assignments, if my leave has been approved. If not, you will have my letter of resignation on your desk as soon as the denial notice has been issued."

She spoke softly and at the end of it, Kathryn paused.

Admiral Kenneth saw the rage in Admiral Janeway's eyes. He felt her grief, her pain and her profound sense of loss and he saw that it wasn't as recent, as it was ancient and cut across her soul. He recognized her bitterness and he realized at that moment that the journey that they all hailed as the definitive journey in Starfleet history, and the gains to the Federation terms of technology and cultural exchange that came with that journey, was brought at too high a price for the Captain who was known throughout the quadrant as the female James Kirk.

"And as for what Ambassador Spock said, which seems to have become a tenant of Vulcan philosophy…..."

Kathryn paused again and Admiral Kenneth then saw no expression on her face. He blinked, because being half-Betazoid, he trusted in what he felt and he was surprised realize that there were no emotions left from the intense ones he had sensed just a moment ago. No human was _that_ good at suppressing emotions, unless their psyche had done it unconsciously, after years of doing it consciously.

"Phaser it out of your tight little Vulcan behind."

Without another word, Kathryn Janeway turned and marched out of the conference room.

* * *

"Welcome home!"

Kathryn's voice was a lot lighter as she and Chakotay walked across the threshold to his house. Actually, she should say that she walked and Chakotay used his anti-grav chair.

"Thanks for getting me there,…..a second time." He smiled and looking at him she could tell that his spirit felt lighter too.

"Where do you want to go first?"

But Chakotay was quiet and she knew why. He was taking in the new furniture, the new desk and all the other changes that she had made to the cottage over the last three days.

"Kathryn?"

"Surprise. I hope you like it. Because you'll need someone to stay with you full time, there are some changes that needed to be made in order to make this dwelling place for two. If it was too presumptuous of me, or if you hate it, then tell me and I'll arrange something else."

"No, it's OK." He hesitated a bit and Kathryn knew why. But she wasn't going to complete her end of the bargain, until he saw the bedroom.

"I also that to replace of some of the other pieces of furniture as you would not have been able to manuever around it in your condition."

"I assume that includes the bed?" Chakotay was going into the bedroom as he spoke.

Kathryn knew why he had made the statement. Since the death of Seven, Chakotay had slept on a smaller bed, just enough to hold one person. When the replicator logs showed what he had done on Voyager thirteen years ago, she knew that he had made up his mind to remain single until his moment of death. She knew that he would wait through this life, until the next to be with Seven and wanted no other woman to take her place in this life so that there'll be no doubt in his mind who he would be spending eternity with.

Perhaps that's why she never married when she made it back home. No one could be more of a companion to her than he was, and no one could give her a daughter quite like Seven. Chakotay knew that who ever he got involved with would never really hold his heart as Seven did, and he made sure that it never happened. Just as much as she knew that whoever she got involved with would never be able to touch her soul, to challenge her, to enable her to change and to be who she was meant to be like Chakotay and that's why she never even entertained the idea of letting someone get close to her as he.

Kathryn held her breath as she followed him into the room.

Chakotay was silent as he was taking it all in. The divider, the extra bed and desk that was there as well as the temporary closet. It was small and it was cozy and she wondered if it reminded him of something else a long time ago. When he finished his cursory inspection, he began to speak.

"Kathryn I appreciate this, but it's too much. I'm sure I can manage in the bedroom until the time comes. I don't want some stranger in my personal space. Let the nurse sleep outside." His tone was firm and Kathryn knew from experience that he wasn't going to let this one go. But he didn't have to.

"I didn't think we were strangers Chakotay, but if it bothers you too much, I'll move my bed outside."

Chakotay turned the chair to face her. "Your bed?"

Kathryn leveled her head at him. "Yes, my bed. I'm going to be your new nurse. Well it's a role that I have played many times on Voyager and even thought I haven't been qualified officially, I think that I can do it."

Chakotay was puzzled.

"But what about your job?"

"I'm on a leave as of two days ago."

"For how long?"

"For as long as it takes." Kathryn was smiling at his look of amazement.

"But what about the Bhagerians and all the other people who need you?"

"The needs of the one outweigh the needs of the few and the needs of the many." Kathryn looked directly at him when she said it.

"That's not how it goes." Chakotay said softly, stunned and Kathryn smiled at his expression as it had been a long time since she had seen that particular look on his face.

"For me now, that's how it goes. You didn't want to die alone Chakotay. You won't."

Chakotay looked at her and Kathryn realized that she hadn't been scrutinized that way in a long time. Then he held out his hand. The action reminded Kathryn when she was so scared and unsure of a mission so long ago that she broke her own protocols and extended her hand for his support on the bridge. It was the first public display of affection between them that she had ever shown. She had extended her hand in insecurity of what was ahead, not knowing if she was going to make it back to Voyager. She extended it in trust that if anything happened to her, he would do as he had promised her, and guide their crew home.

Now he was performing the same action. He was holding out his hand in insecurity of what was ahead and in trust that Kathryn would do now as she promised him during that extraordinary journey. In the journey that was ahead in the next couple of weeks she would guide him home.

Kathryn took his hand and held his gaze for a little while longer and together they walked/moved into the living area.


	2. Chapter 2

"B'Elanna, Tom. It's good to see you. Where's Miral?"

B'Elanna bent down to hug him first and then Tom shook his hand by way of greeting.

"You know how it is with First Year Academy Cadets. We'll all come again next week." It was Tom who answered. B'Elanna was silent beside him.

When Tom turned he could see why. B'Elanna was struck dumb by the sight of Chakotay in and anti-grav chair. So was he. But they knew that it would have happened eventually. Chakotay had explained to them the various stages of his disease and the manifestation of it, a little while after he got infected saving the Captain and B'Elanna five years ago in the Delta Quadrant.

"What's the matter B'Elanna? Too pale for you?" Chakotay moved around and took her hand and made a show of examining it. "I haven't been getting as much sun as some people." He grinned.

"Come on in, how's Q'onos?" He released her and led the way into the sitting area. The house was fragrant with home cooking.

"Hot." Tom was the one who answered for B'Elanna and for that she punched his arm. Tom didn't protest as he would have once. He was glad to have a semblance of his wife back after her initial shock.

"I'm enjoying it…." She began.

"Chakotay are they here….Ye…ouch?" Kathryn's voice called out from the kitchen and what started as a question ended up as a yelp of pain. Tom and B'Elanna did a double take when they heard her voice. Chakotay had turned to face them and he laughed when he heard Kathryn cry out and saw his guests' expressions.

"I'd introduce you, but I know that you have already met my Nurse, once or twice before."

"Nurse?" Tom almost choked.

"She's good in all areas except the cooking."

"I heard that." Kathryn called out as she came from the kitchen.

"Tom and B'Elanna, it's good to see you."

"Same here Admiral." B'Elanna answered but Tom was focused on the more important matter at hand.

"Nurse?" He intoned again.

"I'm taking a couple months off from Starfleet Command. I'll be staying here for that time, so if you need me, you know where to find me."

Tom didn't say anything after that.

"So what's for dinner?" B'Elanna was doing her part to keep them from becoming too depressed.

"Leola Root Stew." Chakotay deadpanned.

"You're kidding, right?" Tom's expression was one of horror.

"Yes I am," He deadpanned again, but this time there was a twinkle in his eye.

Kathryn was hugging both Tom and B'Elanna in turn.

"You guys want anything?' Chakotay was making his way towards the bar.

"Terran Beer for me. Bloodwine B'Elanna?"

His wife nodded.

Kathryn was wiping her hand on her apron. "Bloodwine?"

"It's an acquired taste Admiral, and believe me my wife has acquired some strange tastes going back to her roots."

Kathryn laughed and hugged Tom again. "It is good to see you see you again." Out of the corner of her eye, she observed B'Elanna watching Chakotay getting the things out of the cabinet slowly. His hands trembled a little bit more now and she knew that he didn't want to drop anything. She recognized that expression that he wore on his face.

"Tom let's go into the kitchen and you can tell me all about your new holonovel."

* * *

Tom looked around and saw the expression on his wife's face and at once he knew what the Admiral was trying to do.

He put his arms around her and led her to the kitchen, explaining as he did.

Chakotay turned and saw B'Elanna standing there staring at him with profound sadness being reflected in her eyes. He put down the drinks and moved until he was facing her and then he took her hands.

"I'm glad that you and Tom were the first to get here. There's something I want to say to you before the others come and try to keep the sadness of my approaching death away."

He squeezed her hands. "I am so proud of who you are and who you have become and I am glad that I got to see it first hand. I count myself lucky for having you as a close friend and as a sister."

B'Elanna was smiling at him, but he could see the tears that had been threatening to fall, had actually began sliding down her face a that moment. She knelt down and hugged him fiercely and Chakotay poured all the love that he had for this extraordinary person over the years into his embrace.

"I wish you didn't have to go." She said softly. Chakotay didn't say anything until she broke the embrace then he looked at her and she realized that silent tears were running down his cheeks also.

"I'll always be with you…..in here." He put his hand over her heart. Well one of them anyway.

"And here." He shifted his hand a little to the left and B'Elanna giggled in spite of herself. He had remembered that she had inherited two hearts from her mother.

'Come on let's find the Kathryn and that husband of yours, before she completely annihilates dinner."

* * *

"How is he really?"

"He's OK, it's just that he can't walk and he may fade in and out from time to time. But the new drug regimen that the Doctor has him on now is working well."

"Isn't there anything else that he can do?" Tom asked quietly.

"No." Kathryn's answer matched his tone of voice. "It's just a matter of time now."

"We came as soon as we heard. Thanks for using your influence to get us on a Defiant type starship, or else it would have taken us a lot longer to get here."

"Chakotay asked not to die alone. He wanted to have his family around him and I'm going to honor that request."

Kathryn had turned and was stirring a pot as she said the last sentence.

Tom was not going to let her get away that easily. When she was the Captain and he was the Lieutenant assigned to Conn, he would have had to be content in her answer or else face charges of insubordination. Not anymore.

"How are you doing?" Tom came up to her and put his hand on her shoulders.

"I'm alright." Tom knew that she was lying. The Admiral hadn't been alright since thirteen years ago and now in the next few weeks, it was going only going to get worst.

"If you need anything….Captain, let me know." Kathryn dropped the spoon as he addressed her using her former rank and faced him. Her eyes were full and the fact that Tom was seeing this let him know how badly off she was. In twenty three years, he had never seen the Captain look so lost as the Admiral was looking now and she had been through a lot. Going through this might push her over the edge and he was worried.

Kathryn smiled when she saw the look on his face and impulsively she reached out and hugged him again. Kathryn had seen the not only concern for her, but sorrow at the impending passing of a friend and a former commanding officer, and a family member. She felt the ripple of emotion going through him and as she embraced Tom and she knew that B'Elanna wasn't the only one deeply affected by what was happening, Tom was too.

"I can't turn my back on you for a second, can I?" B'Elanna's amused voice came through the door as Tom and Kathryn broke their embrace.

"Well you knew how Flyboys were when you married one."

"Yes I did, and I have never regretted choosing this flyboy."

Tom blushed and Kathryn grinned at seeing how much in love they still were after all of these years. Chakotay was smiling too, no doubt remembering the Tom that started off on the journey with them and the man standing before him now. Some things hadn't changed for Tom Paris, but the most important things had, and all for the better.

"Now don't you two start something in here." Chakotay moved into the kitchen bringing the drink to Tom as B'Elanna had moved along side him and put her arms around her husband's waist.

"We had enough complaints about deck nine, section 12 on Voyager." Kathryn chimed in.

They shared a good laugh at that and it settled the mood.

* * *

During the dinner Kathryn looked around at all of them. B'Elanna was telling them all about Q'onos and Tom was interjecting with his opinions and insights in such a way that it had both she and Chakotay in stitches and B'Elanna glaring lovingly at her husband. The occasion which brought together still weighed on them heavily, the sadness of it coming out sometimes in prolonged silences while they ate, but she felt a faint undercurrent of joy that she hadn't felt in years. They were doing their best to enjoy precious time they had left together by being in the arms of family.

"Tom let's leave the women to put the dishes away and take our drinks outside to the back porch." Chakotay began at the end of dinner.

"Excuse me?" B'Elanna's Klingon nature flared up.

"Come, B'Elanna. I'm being paid as a Nurse now to cater to his every wish. It takes a lot getting accustomed to people telling you what to do, after twenty three years of being the deciding voice of the Federation in the Delta Quadrant. Help me, please."

Chakotay was quietly smiling, because he knew that Kathryn figured out that he merely wanted to talk to Tom privately before they all came back together.

"All right." B'Elanna was looking at the expression on both her husband's and on her oldest friend's faces and she was finally beginning to get it.

Chakotay and Tom were silent for a moment when they reached the porch and stood looking up at the stars.

"You know it's still hard to believe that one year ago we were still among the furthest of those stars finally entering this solar system after twenty three years of wandering." Tom began.

"It's hard to believe that a 10 minute trip to the Badlands to our home base would have taken twenty three years." Chakotay replied.

Tom smiled. "A lot has happened in those years, some bad, most good. Sometimes it's hard to see the good, when the bad is sitting right in front of you." He said pointedly.

"But both the good and bad times defined us, made us into who we are. And everyone here who've waited for us, and all the people that we've journeyed with are proud of the people who've returned home." Chakotay responded.

"But what about us? Are we proud of who we've become? Because in the end, we're the only judge and jury whose ruling will ultimately matter." He continued musing.

"Sometimes, it's hard to know what that ruling is, until we look around us and see who is standing with us and is proud to call us friend." Tom finished for him.

Throughout the whole conversation both men were looking up at the stars until Tom uttered the last statement. Suddenly he turned to Chakotay.

"I know that sometimes we've haven't seen eye to eye and I'm not exactly what you would consider a perfect example of what a Starfleet officer should be. But I want you to know that I've always respected you for the man and the Officer that you are. I hope that in some small way, you're proud of me for playing my part in accomplishing our mission.

Tom spoke those directly and in all seriousness. Because time was short and this was not the time for jokes. They didn't know exactly how much time Chakotay had left and he wasn't going to waste one minute of it missing opportunities to say exactly what he felt. Just one of the lessons he had learnt in the Delta Quadrant.

Chakotay looked at Tom earnestly and Tom felt himself being stripped by the older man's eyes. He squirmed, but Chakotay did not release him.

"I'm not proud of you because of the part you've played Tom. I'm proud of you because of _who_ you have become. A man that I can depend on and one whom I call friend. A man who has made my sister very happy."

Suddenly Chakotay gripped Tom's hand. He would have cried out, if he still weren't being pinned by Chakotay's stare.

"Love her Tom. Love her the way you always have with your whole heart with your whole soul. And thank the heavens that you are able to do that every day of your life when you wake up at her side every morning."

"I will sir. You can count on that." Tom spoke firmly and the love that he had for B'Elanna was able to make Chakotay pause. Tom saw the power it had when Chakotay turned away and he noticed even in the darkness that the older man's eyes were full. Tom turned his attention back to the stars and gave the Captain time to collect himself before they made their way back inside.

* * *

Tom woke up in the middle of the night with a start. Something was wrong. He felt around for B'Elanna in the bed and realized that she was missing. Then he heard it. B'Elanna was sitting at the window sill looking at the night sky sobbing as though her heart was breaking. He had only heard her cry like that once before, the night when the Doctor had told her on Voyager that she couldn't have any more children as a result of what happened to her on an away mission.

Tom flew off the bed and went to her side. He didn't have to ask her what was wrong. He knew what it was. As he put his arms around his wife tightly, trying to give her the courage that she would need to get through the next couple of weeks, he realized with a start that his heart was also heavy and that the wetness that he was feeling on his cheek was not only hers, but a mixture of both of their tears.


	3. Chapter 3

When Kathryn awoke on that particular day, she lay in the bed for a little while longer. The routine that she had adapted since taking up the position of nurse was a simple one. Chakotay got up at 07:00 hours every morning and she got up one hour before him, to get things ready for what they were going to do that day and to prepare to greet those who were going to be visiting them.

A number of people who were on Voyager with them and were within the solar system came to visit and Kathryn was warmed to see so many people go out of their way to meet Chakotay one last time. The ex-Maquis who were stranded on her ship with them came as a group bringing their families knowing how much that would mean to Chakotay. It did. Sometimes people came in departments. Stella Cartography one day, Engineering another. For a man who was dying, it seemed to Kathryn that Chakotay had finally began living. She was finally beginning to see a glimpse of the man who had set off with her twenty four years ago. The man who had been by her side for the first ten years.

Some days, it seemed like Chakotay was fine, he had the energy to deal with everyone. Other days, towards the end of the day, she could see he was tiring a lot more than usual and she would have to medicate him twice a day instead of just once and he would need to get about 12hrs of rest afterwards. It was hard on those days to be in the house constantly surrounded by memories of his life, because they remaindered her of her life on Voyager. Little things that she had given him for the first ten years were still strewn about the house. Seven's belongings were also there and whenever she recognized them, it gave her pause and her heart ached anew with loss. She had put all of her mementoes in storage, so she was unaccustomed to seeing these things about, and the feelings that came with recognition. When he was awake, they were busy gardening, doing things together, taking walks, so she didn't have time to see all the knick knacks about. But when he was resting and she was restless, she had all the time in the world to examine the reminders that he placed in his house of his former life. Still, she never considered hiring an actual nurse for those times. She was determined to do this as it was an extension of the promise that she had made to him long ago when she was on Voyager.

She knew that the sacrifice that she had made to be with him during his final days touched him deeply. It shouldn't have. It should have been something that he expected instead of something that he was surprised by. But she supposed that she had brought that on herself. Years ago, the young idealistic woman who was Captain Kathryn Janeway would never dream of letting the Bhagerians walk out of negotiations important to the Federation because she wasn't there. Years ago, she would have crawled to the negotiation table on her hands and knees on broken glass if need be just to do her duty. But not anymore. The reminders of the cost of constant adherence to duty were now always before her. Seven, B'Elanna, Chakotay and today she was going to visit the fourth sacrifice that had been made in the family on the altar of duty.

Tuvok.

Today no one was going to be visiting because she had to go to see Tuvok. The Doctor was coming to stay with Chakotay while she was gone and she was glad. She didn't want to miss this appointment and she didn't want some stranger to stay with Chakotay. It had already been two weeks and he was still hanging on with everything he had, fighting the disease tooth and nail. He was waiting on something, she knew him well enough to know that, but on what, she didn't know. In time she knew that she would find out. Chakotay's will power to finish what he started was holding the disease at bay. She had known the strength of that formidable will when he had promised her that he would be with her always. That promise was made in the Delta Quadrant and it flowed from him when one year into their twenty three year journey he promised that they would make it together. And even when it cost him the greatest happiness that he had ever known, he had remained true to what he had promised. And they did it, they had crossed the finish line together.

What neither of them had expected was that towards the end, there would be very little joy in knowing that the destination that they had overcome insurmountable obstacles for the past twenty three years would be reached. That the good times which they began with in the face of all the adversity, would become far and few between as they got closer and closer to their destination. They didn't know that in the end, both the journey and the destination would ring hollow as their family was forever changed with the death of one and the insanity of the other. The rest of the crew were joyful, they had finished the journey that some of them hadn't even started. But what was left of the senior staff was forever scarred by what had happened.

His alarm went off, and Kathryn got up with a start realizing that she had lain in bed lost in her thoughts for about an hour. She also realized that she had been crying silently throughout that whole time.

"It's about time you got out of bed."

"Chakotay!

He was in his chair, groomed and seemed ready to go somewhere. But she noted that she could see this through the divider where as before she couldn't, and the reason for that was because the divider was just simply not there anymore. He must have removed it before she woke up or she would have surely heard it. But that wasn't all. There was something besides his chair.

"What is it?" Kathryn got up and put on her robe and walked towards him.

"I hope you don't mind, but I did some redecorating last night. If you don't like it, just let me know."

"Why did you take the screen down?"

"I wanted to hang this up in my bedroom again." He showed her the picture and Kathryn's heart stopped. She had nearly forgotten that she had made it for him so many years ago.

"You still have that?"

"I had to take it out of the bedroom when Seven and I were still married, she wanted to put something else on that bulkhead. And we couldn't find another place to put it so I stored it. Lucky thing I did too, or else it would have been lost during our time with the Fen Domar."

"How about here?" He indicated the wall right where the divider was.

Kathryn took the picture from him and hung it up. "Perfect" She said agreeing. She got lost in the picture remembering the man that she had patterned it after.

"Come on", he said drawing her back to the present. "You need to get ready or we'll be late. I've already programmed breakfast."

"Late for what? Did you forget that I have to see Tuvok today?"

"You mean we don't you?"

"Chakotay." Kathryn said firmly, "You know that the second attack could happen at anytime and then the……fi….third." Kathryn finished. The word 'final' was just too hard to say. "You should be at home resting and conserving your strength."

"No Kathryn." Chakotay said just as firmly. "I want to see Tuvok before that occurs and to my mind if I'm going to have an attack anywhere, Starfleet medical may just be the best place to have it."

Kathryn looked at him with an inscrutable expression on her face.

"I don't suppose I can talk you out of this?"

"No."

"Where did you learn to be so pig-headed?" Kathryn's eyes twinkled as she spoke.

"Twenty three years wandering around in an unknown quadrant with the best, and some things do tend to rub off."

"I'll hurry and get dressed." Kathryn said as she grabbed her things and headed to the bathroom.

* * *

He had been in the back porch ever since they got back. They were silent as they went to the Transport Station and silent on the trip back. It was always a shock when she went to see Tuvok.

Every time she saw what the journey had done to her logical oldest and most steadfast of friends, Kathryn felt a little piece of her harden. Today it was even more painful than most. Tuvok barely recognized Chakotay and didn't understand when Chakotay told him that he was going away and will not be seeing him again. He was calm when Chakotay told him how honored he was to serve with him. But he became agitated when Kathryn tried to leave. They had to sedate him to calm him down. It was almost as if on one level he knew exactly what Chakotay had told him and was reacting to it emotionally.

Kathryn was sitting on her bed staring at a photograph. It had been given to her for her birthday by the entire senior staff during their seventh year lost in the Delta Quadrant. It was the last time that all of original senior staff were together. Neelix was even in the picture. There were tears running down her cheeks and she couldn't figure out why. Maybe it was just the situation that she found herself in right now. Lord knows she hadn't cried before then.

As soon as she had made it back to Earth, she had dived into her work. When she realized that the end of her Delta Quadrant journey had finally occurred and her victory at getting the crew home was ringing hollow, there was nothing left for her to do, but work. She was at wits end, the pursuit of getting home being her primary focus for so many years that having gotten there without the people who meant the most to her, she ensured that she would never have to go through the pain of losing anyone else again.

Captain Janeway may have been a warm individual, full of life and taking risks, but Admiral Janeway was cold, calculating and meticulous. Coming out from the most disorganized away mission ever to be launched, she abhorred messiness and imprecision and demanded excellence, perfection and efficiency from her staff and her co-workers. She was a hard nosed negotiator, precisely because you never knew where you were with her and she seemed to be able to turn her emotions on and off whenever the situation warranted it. What she hadn't done when she came back, was sit down and do exactly what she was doing now. Grieve. Because grieving wasn't controlled, it was messy and while anger, regret and bitterness, kept her in the past punishing herself; grieving meant that she would had to forgive herself, let go and move on. And Kathryn did not think that she deserved that much.

Kathryn had not shed a single tear when she came back. And now one year later, getting ready to face the death of her dearest friend, it seemed that all she could do was cry. And she realized as she looked at the picture that she wasn't crying only for what was happening to Chakotay now, but for what had happened to all of them, to the family that she was looking at in the picture.

She ran her fingers over the face of the woman who had held on to the Captaincy of a starship longer than any other in the history of the Fleet. That woman was so sure of herself…..of who she was becoming. She knew she had the finest crew in the history of the Fleet and with them behind her as her support, she engaged in one risky adventure after another. She was only as strong as the ship and as the crew that she captained.

The fates must have realized the source of her strength because after that, they began to cut down her crew, one by one.

"Kathryn?"

Chakotay was in his chair next facing her from the door to the bedroom.

She was startled as she didn't hear him come in; she was so lost in her memories and her thoughts. She tried to nonchalantly put the picture aside, but she knew that Chakotay had noticed what she was doing.

He held her with his stare and moved the chair closer to the bed. Carefully he lifted himself on her bed and swung his feet so that he was lying on her side behind her. Kathryn didn't say anything, but the tears kept rolling down her cheeks as she looked at him struggling. She didn't offer to help because she knew that it meant a lot to him to be able to do this on his own.

Finally when he had positioned himself so that he was comfortable, he raised the picture and looked at it. He wasn't surprised at the image that was in the frame.

"Looking for someone?" He asked quietly.

Kathryn ran her fingers lightly over the determined Captain's face in the picture.

"I'm looking for the Captain of the Starship Voyager. Sometimes I feel that she's still lost in the Delta Quadrant." Chakotay leaned against the wall behind him and pulled her closer to him. At first she was resistant.

"I'm supposed to be here for you now remember, this is your turn. I'm sorry, I don't know what has come over me right now……I can't seem to stop crying……maybe some tea. Do you want anything?" Kathryn's words were coming out faster and faster as she made a move to get up. Chakotay held on to her arms firmly from behind. She was surprised at his strength when he did so. But then she wasn't the only formidable command officer of the starship Voyager.

"Kathryn, let me be the Admiral and the Captain right now." Kathryn gasped at the memory that came back to her as he said those words.

Finally she leaned back into him and allowed her tears to flow freely down her cheeks. Chakotay waited a little while before he continued.

"No, she's not lost, she's here. But she left pieces of her back in that Quadrant. Just like the man over there." Chakotay pointed to himself. "He left his heart back there." Chakotay's finger came to rest on Seven.

"What about his soul?"

Chakotay opened his mouth to answer and suddenly Kathryn felt him stiffen as a shudder went through him.

* * *

_

* * *

His soul has always been here, with that determined woman who is the Captain._

And in that moment he _knew_.

* * *

_It had happened again. _

_With the same person. _

_Another moment of clarity. _

_His third and he knew, his last._

_His soul had always been hers._

_He gave it twenty three years ago and he had never taken it back._

"_I've come here in this vision quest to ask for your blessing father." Chakotay said._

"_I'm getting married." His father was silent._

"_We are of one heart father."_

"_But you are not of one soul." Kolopec answered sadly._

"_In time we will be."_

"_Why are you looking for something you already have?"_

_That vision quest, done the day before he got married to Seven confused him until now. Now it was painfully clear what his father meant_

_He had loved Seven with all of his heart, but his heart was held in his soul and his soul he had not given._

_She had never asked for it._

_Had she even known that she needed it, he would have realized a lot sooner what he was realizing now._

_Kathryn had been with him through every one of those moments of clarity._

_In those moments she had touched his soul and she had forever changed who he was_

_It was only because he had found peace being Kathryn's best friend, that he had known how to love Seven in the way that she needed it._

_Loving Seven was not a soul changing activity,_

_Loving Kathryn was._

_And he had loved her. _

_With everything that he was._

_And he still did._

_And even though it was too late to do something with it in this life,_

_He knew what he could leave behind as a gift for her in life without him_.

* * *

Kathryn turned swiftly to face him. "Chakotay are you all right? Do you need some medication?"

"No, no, just give me a minute. It will pass." His face was shrouded and he was avoiding her eyes. She knew how he got when an episode was coming on, so she turned forward away from him and let him compose himself privately. She used her back to listen to his heart beat return to normal and when she was satisfied that it did, she also relaxed.

"Kathryn, do you know how long it's been since we've talked like this?"

"Over seventeen years ago." Her answer was prompt and she knew that he was stunned by how fast she did the calculation and how right she was. Kathryn turned to face him and this time he was looking up at her.

"You were so in love with her for the three years that you were together. I hardly got any of your time even when you were off duty and then she died so quickly and so quietly. You were never the same after that."

"Neither were you." He charged, tears were running down both their cheeks now.

"It was never the same after that. You and I stop reaching out to embrace anyone else, we were so afraid of being hurt again. We couldn't just abandon Tom, Harry and B'Elanna, but we never let it grow any deeper than it was at the time. We were both too afraid, of losing them. And we were so afraid of losing each other, that we also never nurtured ourselves." Chakotay was stripping her soul bare as he spoke. It was a long time since he had done so.

"When she died in your arms, she took a piece of you with her and also a piece of me. The piece of me that wanted to have a daughter died with her on that day." Kathryn said quietly in response.

"Looking back on it now, I feel as if I had let you down then." Chakotay continued when she had finished.

"What are you talking about?"

"You closed yourself off to the crew and I knew what you were doing and I knew why. I just didn't have the energy to engage you in the ship's heart again because I wasn't doing it. I bet you don't know that you stopped touching people then. No matter what we were going through personally you were always there with a word and a touch before Seven's death. And after, you were there, but the touches stopped coming. You lost a piece of your adventurous spirit too. You stopped exploring all but the most stellar of phenomena and you stopped taking too many risks. You even stopped drinking coffee.

You changed a lot Kathryn during our journey in the beginning. During the sixth year you really began being yourself with the senior officers, but by the tenth, after Seven died, you began to slide back to the way you were when we first began on our journey. Your Command Face was firmly in place, even to me. We stopped having many meals together. We stopped playing velocity, we stopped storming into each others lives like we used to. We never stopped grieving for Seven.

If I had to live the last seventeen years again, I would have done it differently."

"Don't regret Chakotay. I'm doing it for both of us."

"I don't regret. Not while I have a chance to make things right again, even in the eleventh hour."

"I would have never let you slide back to the first year of your captaincy, no matter what was going on with me."

"Why?"

"I look at you now, in the last three weeks and I see the Captain that I made my promises to all those years ago, not the Admiral who finally got us home after twenty-three years of being lost. The laughter, the smiles, the jokes and the tears. The jokes and the tears; the vulnerability most of all. We used to do all of that even when our lives were on the line and wondering which one of us will not be coming home from the away mission. But when we began coming closer to home and the danger stopped being that close, we actually stopped doing this.

Kathryn, you being here with me now like this, crying, laughing, joking, gardening, working, burning dinner…." He got a watery chuckle out of that. "…is the best send off that anyone could have given me. I didn't want to go through this alone, but I never thought that I would have gotten my best friend back in the process. I haven't been gifted like this in a long time. I wish that I didn't have to go. You've been there through every one of my difficult periods except one. I would like to have been there for you like you're being here for me now." He smiled through his tears.

Kathryn guided them down on to the pillows as he said this.

"Promise me Kathryn, that you'd let the Captain come out a little more, don't let the Admiral take over too many times. I don't want you to die alone." Chakotay continued, realizing that it was urgent that he say this to her now.

"I think it's too late for that." Kathryn said and she fell quiet.

"If there's one thing that Seven has taught all of us is that it's never too late to change." And at that he felt her whole frame shake with silent sobs. He held on to her tightly, comforting her with soft words realizing that all the while he was also crying, but he made no move to stop.

They lay there, in each other's arms, the Captain and the Commander of the greatest journey ever taken by a Starfleet Crew and they cried over the pieces of their soul that they had lost in the process. Pieces that were beginning to realize they needed to regain.


	4. Chapter 4

When Kathryn got up, she felt the warmth radiating from Chakotay who was asleep next to her. She took a moment to study him as he lay sleeping. She recognized that his face was twisted a bit in pain and she carefully got up so not as to wake him and dispensed his medicine. She sat in her armchair and watched as his breathing became regular and his face looked calmer. She rearranged the sheets and fluffed his pillows and enjoyed just looking at him for a little while longer. Then she got up and left the bedroom.

She made her way into the kitchen, made a cup of tea and headed out on to the back porch. Night had fallen as she settled in a chair and covered herself up in blankets. She looked up in the sky at the stars. She had decided a long time ago to make her home up there, but after twenty three years of being lost between them, she had done something that she never thought she would, she became land bound. She inherited her parents' home in Indiana and she settled in there with a vengeance. She spent the minimum time necessary in space and had been known to turn down assignments if it meant going back up there among the stars too far away from Earth. But now she looked at them and felt a pull that she hadn't felt since she had first set foot on Earth a year ago. The pull to be back among the stars again.

"Homesick?"

She turned and saw that he had bought out their dinners out.

"For the first time, in a year, I can say yes."

"You know," Chakotay said as he settled the food in front of them. "For twenty three years, this was the home that we were sick for."

"I know."

They ate in silence and when they had finished. Kathryn took the dishes out to the kitchen. She came back with a cup of tea for both of them.

Chakotay had positioned himself on the bench that she had been occupying and when she came back she sat down next to him. He seemed to be as lost in thought as she was and she realized that she was right to make a detour and go into her living area to obtain an object. She produced that object along with their mugs. It was penny.

His smile was a large one.

"If you must know, I was thinking about the time when the Doctor programmed himself to daydream."

Kathryn's tea came spewing out of her mouth as she choked, laughing so hard. Chakotay grabbed a couple of napkins as Kathryn tried in vain to control her coughing. When she finally did get her passages to clear, she started laughing hysterically.

"What about the time that he programmed himself with the Levoidian flu?"

"And the time, he was beamed out into space during the battle with the Kazon."

"And the time that he introduced music to that alien culture who thought they were so superior to us, what were they called?" Kathryn asked Chakotay. His head was furrowed in thought.

"The Qomar." Kathryn said suddenly as she remembered.

_Incoming communiqué, incoming communiqué_

The internal communications system was activated by the receipt of an outside message.

"I wonder who that could be?" Chakotay mused as Kathryn got up to see.

When she tapped the consul a familiar face filled the view screen.

"Admiral."

"Harry. You're a sight for sore eyes."

"I just heard, is Chakotay alright?"

"Yes, he's just outside. In fact let me carry this out there as it may take some time for him to get back in the anti-grav chair in order to come inside."

"Fine."

"Admiral, it's good to see you again." Harry talked as she walked.

"Likewise, how's the Rhode Island?"

"She's good but she's not Voyager."

"Harry?" Chakotay said as he heard the familiar voice talking to Kathryn.

"Chakotay, how are you?" Harry fixed his eyes on the older man, but Kathryn didn't miss the hesitation he made at seeing Chakotay in an anti-grav chair.

"I'm OK," However towards the end of that statement, Kathryn heard Chakotay gasp and she knew instinctively what it was. She rose from the bench that she had been sharing with him and went inside to get his medicine. She knew that he should have been resting and maybe his needing so many doses today showed how weak he was getting and how much emotional strain that he was under. But she knew better than to suggest that he should retire now to him. Especially with Captain Kim on the Com. line.

"Are you sure?" Captain Kim was asking when Kathryn came back with the hypospray. She pressed it to his neck as he was about to reply.

"Give him a minute, he'll be alright." She said in response to the Captain's question.

"That's right, trust me my nurse knows more about treating these attacks than I do."

"Nurse?" Both Kathryn and Chakotay shared a chuckle at that, he sounded so much like Tom when he first found out about Kathryn's current assignment. Chakotay visibly relaxed after a time and both Harry and Kathryn knew that the drugs had done their magic and began working.

The door bell chimed before Chakotay could give an answer.

Kathryn got up to see who it was.

* * *

"How are you Harry?"

"Fine sir."

"How's the ship?"

"She's only as good as her crew and even though they haven't been tested in the fires of an uncharted quadrant, I believe they're one of the best."

"They can only be if they are taken through the right paces by their Captain."

"And shown how to do that by the right First Officer." Harry smiled and Chakotay looked with pride at the young man who had stared off their journey trying to emulate him but had fallen into his own style and his own grace.

"I'm proud of you Harry. You were an exceptional officer on Voyager and you'll be an exceptional Captain to the Rhode Island. Your grace and your style are your own, I'm proud of the part I've played in fostering it"

* * *

Tom and B'Elanna stood outside of the door.

"Admiral. Sorry for not calling ahead and we were in the neighborhood, so we just dropped by to visit. If Chakotay is not feeling up to it…." Tom had began but Kathryn waved them inside.

"Come in," She gave them both fierce hugs. Again, Tom was concerned. Admiral Janeway had not been this tactile with anyone for a long time.

"He's outside taking to an old friend."

* * *

"Thank you sir….for everything." The Command look on Harry's face dropped and Chakotay could see the Ensign that had been with him through the first ten years of their journey. He looked lost and sad.

Coming from the living area, with the computer facing them, Kathryn caught the look on Harry's face. Tom and B'Elanna heard the tone of the conversation and they were silent, waiting. They knew what was going on outside and they didn't want to intrude, to spoil the moment.

Harry's command face came back on momentarily. It was then that Chakotay found voice to continue.

"Ayala and the other ex-Maquis came by the other day and they brought all of their grandchildren. If you see them, they've grown so much now. And Ayala himself; the same quiet man he always was….."

"On duty." Both of them finished the sentence laughing.

"But off, oh Chakotay, that man could talk up a storm. …" Harry was continuing.

"And sing up one too." Tom finished the thought for the both of them as the trio stepped out onto the porch.

"Tom!"

"In the flesh"

"Man, it's good to see you. Where's that woman of yours?"

"Right here Starfleet, how are you?"

"Couldn't be better, now that _I_ get to tell the Engineering Chief what he can and cannot do. I think he almost fainted the first time I told him that if he didn't do what I wanted I would rip out his heart and drink his blood _in Klingon_. You know I never had any problems after that."

"Glad I could teach you something in the years that we were together." B'Elanna said and Tom laughed out loud. It was music to Kathryn's ears.

The door chimed again. "Must be the night, but everyone seems to be in the neighborhood." Kathryn muttered as she rose to get the door.

She admitted the Doctor.

"I needed to program the replicator to refill the medication."

Laughter filled the house as he said this.

"Come in Doctor, join the party."

The Doctor frowned. "I thought I told you not to let him exert himself, he could accelerate the progression of the disease."

"Doctor, do you think that I could dissuade Chakotay from doing anything that he set his mind to do?"

"Actually, Admiral, if anyone can get Chakotay to change his mind about anything, it's you." And as he said it, a sad look crossed his face. At once Kathryn knew what he was referring to, or rather _who_ he was referring to. Kathryn hadn't had an easy time at it, but she had changed Chakotay's mind about her to the point that he fell in love and he married Seven.

She pushed those thoughts of loss firmly out of her head.

"Come in and join the party." She ushered him in to the porch where the others were.

* * *

"Doc." Tom got up and clasped the hands of his friend. The Doctor also gave B'Elanna a quick hug.

"Mr. Kim."

"That's Captain Kim to you now."

"There's something we thought we'd never see. Beam any smart bombs over to your ship lately?' The Doctor asked his face a picture of innocence.

"Oooh, funny" Harry retorted.

They all chuckled at that.

Kathryn got up slowly after she realized what was happening in the room.

"What would everyone like to drink?"

"Coffee for me," Tom said. "I have a ton of work to do tonight."

"Racktagino, for me. So do I." His wife followed him.

"I'd ask for coffee, but my Doctor is here, so rather than go into an argument I'd take another cup of chamomile tea."

"I'd like to have a cup of coffee myself, seeing that's the preferred choice of beverage." The Doctor chimed in.

"How's the modification to your eating subroutines holding up?" B'Elanna asked.

"OK. But I did have one accident, when we were working with an experimental form of radiation and it destabilized my matrix momentarily. I had just had a glass of champagne with the research group and it was being held in my holocavity. When the force field was disrupted, I leaked. It looked as if I suffered an unfortunate accident."

"It looked as if you wet yourself?" Tom was in tears and so were the rest of them. They could see that Harry was crying, he was laughing so hard as he ordered a cup of coffee from the replicator behind him in his quarters on the Rhode Island.

Kathryn excused herself to get their drink order. Before she gave the individual orders, she gave one general one to the replicator. Kathryn paused as she was about to go to the back porch. They were there, the surviving members of the original Senior Staff of Voyager. The ones who had stood by her through everything, the ones who had given their lives to fulfilling Voyager's mission as surely as those who had died along the way. They hadn't been all together since they disembarked from Voyager one year ago and by what she was seeing now, maybe it was something that they should do regularly.

As Kathryn gave everyone their drinks in the standard Starfleet issue grey and black mugs that they had all drunk out from of at one time, they fell silent. It was as if they knew what was going to happen so that they all gave a drink order. And what was going to happen was something that would commemorate the greatest voyage that they have ever been on in their lives.

Kathryn raised her cup and gave the toast,

"We have journeyed 70,000 light years and made it back, we have stood with each other through all good times and all the bad during that journey, and what we have learned from that long star trek, is the most fundamental of all human values. That love between family members, binds us and heals us. It empowers us and enables us to realize that together we are a lot more than any of us have could have ever imagined. We use what we've learnt to help us on our journeys right now, in whatever we are facing, even if we are coming towards the end of one journey. We know that it's the _journey_, not the destination that's important. We learnt that who we are and who we become as we travel through life is the most important.

To the journey."

"To the journey." Each one of the members intoned in turn.

"And to those who are not here to share it with us." Chakotay added.

They were all silent as they took a sip.

"I would like to ask one favor. Please do this for the rest of the crew, as many people as you can gather every year. If there is one thing that Neelix had imparted on us, is that we should always have a party every year." Chakotay looked around as he spoke. He received nods all around. They had received the news that Neelix had died three years ago, and they knew that doing this would not only honor Chakotay but the Talaxian as well.

"Twice every year, three times year, every month, every week….." The Doctor was droning on in a monotone.

That brought a fresh round of laughter.

"Remember how he used to dance?" Harry asked.

Kathryn had tears of joy in her eyes as the night went on.

* * *

It was short lived.

When she got up the next morning, she looked out the window and noticed how bright it was. She must have overslept and had forgotten to set the alarm. Rising from her bed, she noted that Chakotay hadn't gotten up either.

"Computer, what is the time?" Kathryn put on her gown and went over to his bed side

_09:00 hours._

"Wake up sleepy, head. If you're going to be like this, there'll be no more late night guests."

She walked over to his bed and instantaneously she knew that something was wrong. He was so still.

She felt his neck and was relieved that she got a weak pulse.

"Computer, medical emergency." The Admiral barked, the Captain not being able to deal with what she was seeing now.

_Acknowledged._

Instantaneously, the computer alerted Starfleet Medical and found the Doctor in his lab. His combadge chirped red alert. He dropped everything he was doing, literally, and hit his combadge. His hypospray hit the table.

"This is the Doctor, what's happened?"

"He's in stage three." Came the Admiral's voice over his combadge.

"Lt Randy. I'm leaving. You're in charge until I get back." He pulled up the medical emergency transporter systems and started punching in codes and destination coordinates.

"But sir, you have a class in ten minutes and you're in the middle of an experiment, it will take us a month to start it up again."

"It can wait." The Doctor disappeared in the blue haze of a transporter beam.

* * *

Admiral Janeway was pacing outside waiting on the Doctor to finish his examination. Finally he did after 10 minutes and she knew because of the time he spent in there, it was bad news.

"He has about an hour." The Doctor said solemnly.

Kathryn blanched.

"What happened? How did stage three come on so suddenly?"

"If I were to speculate, I'd say it was stress and fatigue, but I don't believe so." Came the reply, and after a pause the Doctor continued.

"This disease has been held at bay by Chakotay's mind and his soul for want of a better term. I believe that Chakotay is ready to go now, so he has stopped fighting. Everything that he needed to get done has been accomplished and now he is ready to leave."

"I won't accept that." But she knew that she had to, because as soon as she realized what was happening, she figured out what Chakotay was waiting on to die. He was waiting to talk to Harry. The Admiral moved past him and went into the bedroom.

She pulled the chair nearest to Chakotay's bedside and took his hand. He was asleep and he looked almost gone. Where was the man who was laughing with all of them last night?

"He can't move anything from his neck down." Kathryn nodded. It was time to let him go. She would never ask him to continue living like he was now.

Chakotay's eyes fluttered open. "Kathryn?" She supposed he said it when she saw the pattern his mouth had made, but she could hardly hear it.

"I'm here Chakotay."

"How should I proceed?" Kathryn didn't turn at the sound of the Doctor's voice.

"Contact everyone who was here last night.' The Admiral ordered.

The Doctor left to fulfill the order as the Captain turned once again to her friend.

* * *

As gently as she could, Kathryn climbed into Chakotay's bed. She gathered him in her arms and shifted his weight so that he could be comfortable. She knew that he couldn't feel anything from his neck down and that his head was the most important part, She wanted him to feel her physically, mentally and spiritually with him when he passed over.

His eyes fluttered open again and shifting his head a bit he smiled when he realized where she was and how he was so close to her now.

He had trouble swallowing, but he seemed determined to tell her something.

"I loved Seven……… with all my heart and I lost it……when I lost her in the Delta Quadrant." He gasped out in pain…..then swallowed as he willed the disease at bay just to say what he was going to now. Kathryn felt the tears falling down her face as she held herself still, in this great moment of sadness, in this the moment of his passing.

"But my soul….my soul was never lost……Kathryn, you….." He swallowed again and she could tell that it wasn't going to be long now. She stroked his hair and placed her hand gently at the side of his cheek. She felt tears falling out of his eyes. She wiped them gently as she had done for him in the past, as he had done for her countless times before, and as his words were wiping the tears falling down her check right now in a real way.

"…you have always…..held my soul." And with that, his head rolled back and the light went out.

A scream ripped from Kathryn's throat at his passing. On hearing it outside, the Doctor left a gaping B'Elanna on the viewscreen and ran into the bedroom.

The Captain was inconsolable. She was holding Chakotay's body and bawling. The sobs permeated the doctor's holomatrix and radiated outwards. He too felt as if he could shed tears over what he was seeing, over the pain that the damn journey that they had celebrated so much last night had caused. He would trade everything he had gone through in the last twenty-three years, just so that the Admiral would not be grieving as much as she was. Almost. His subroutines reminded him of what he was doing before he came in. He ran a quick scan on his tricorder discretely a few paces away from the bed and after obtaining the time of death, he left the Admiral to her grieving.

When he came back to the communications consol, he saw that B'Elanna and Tom were holding each other in front of the view screen and B'Elanna was shaking with silent sobs.

He tapped the viewscreen silently and went back to his task of notifying people of the Captain's passing.

When Harry answered the signal, he heard the Admiral in the bedroom from afar. He did not utter one word by way of greeting. He and the Doctor stood looking at each other from five light years away with tears rolling down their cheeks.

* * *

After a time, the tears stopped, and she knew that it had forever. But the pain had made its home deep within her soul and she doubted that anything could uproot it. Kathryn let go of Chakotay's body and arranged it on the bed, folding his hands across his chest. She then got off the bed and sat on the chair looking at him and saying goodbye silently. She wondered idly if she should say goodbye to the best part of herself, because she knew at that instant, that it was as dead as her best friend lying posed on the bed, but his promise called out to her. She couldn't just shut herself down; she had to try to live for him, even though right now, she saw no reason to. She had made a promise to him, even though she hadn't spoken those words, and she knew that she had to honor that promise, but she didn't know where or how to start. All she knew was that Captain Janeway was in too much pain right now and she needed the Admiral to get through the next couple of days.

Admiral Janeway, composed and dry eyed, stood up and went into the next room and to find the PADD that contained Chakotay's last will and testament.

* * *

He was concerned about the Admiral. She was looking a little thin and her eyes were dark, as if she hadn't slept in a while. But she was on top of everything and in charge of it. She had the funeral organized in two days. In the other three days before the actual event, she had hired a team of movers and had sorted and packed Chakotay's house and put it on the market for sale. She said that it was easy because all Chakotay's final instructions were laid out and clear.

But what concerned the Doctor was the way in which the Admiral was holding herself. She was there, but not in the way that she was on that fateful night before he died. She was a lot colder and on the rare occasions that she did laugh, the light did not reach her eyes. She also took no part in the official ceremony. She had B'Elanna give the Eulogy and all the surviving former senior officers of USS Voyager spoke, even Tuvok.

Ever the Vulcan, he had recorded farewell messages to be played incase he was "not of sound mind" should he be alive when one of the senior staff passed on. He had wanted to lend his voice to the others. It wasn't logical to him, but he knew that it would be something that the crew who he had served for years would appreciate, and that made it necessary. That's what he had said in the communiqué that found its way to the Admiral when she was making the funeral arrangements. Tuvok had made the logs in the early stages of his illness and had The Doctor download them in the surviving senior officer's databases on Voyager. When Kathryn left the ship, she downloaded her personal database and it downloaded the logs.

All of the former crew members who were anywhere within three days travel of Earth came and the Admiral had cashed in a good portion of her savings and a lot of favors to get them home on time. The others who were within range were watching the ceremony via com link and the rest would be sent a copy of the funeral recording if they wished to say goodbye that way.

To everyone else, she was the picture of strength during this time, but the members of her former senior staff who knew her well, were worried. The Doctor had seen her break down, Tom and B'Elanna and Harry had heard her when he contacted them. But he had waited until she settled down before calling the former Maquis and the rest of the crew. He wanted to keep her grief within the immediate family of the senior officers.

When the ceremony was finally over, everyone climbed on the special hovercrafts that had been hired to transport them to the Voyager museum for the reception. The Admiral remained and the Doctor went up to her as the last group was leaving.

"Admiral, we're ready to go."

"I'm not, I have a site to site transporter, I'll beam in there in a minute."

The Doctor clasped his hand on her shoulder. She smiled at him and again, and again he noticed that the smile did not reach her eyes.

"As you wish Admiral."

Kathryn stood watching the stone that she had etched for him in the ground. She fought back the irrational feeling to push aside that stone and dig with her hands until she got to the box, open it up and demand that he live again; that he not leave her. She was overwhelmed during the last five days by that loss that she had suffered, and the regret that she had put aside when she found out that Chakotay was ill in order to tend to him, came back to her in full force. She tasted the bitterness of loss on her tongue constantly and she knew that her closest friends, those that were left, were worried about her. But she didn't care because now she had a new mission.

She placed her hand on the Chamousi that she had inscribed on the stone. Chakotay had once told her that it was a mark left by his people as a blessing to the land. It was fitting that it be on his headstone as he was such a blessing to her.

And with that action, Kathryn knew what she had to do. Not for a former drone who became her adopted daughter, not just for a young woman who should know the joy of motherhood over again, not only for the man who was her oldest friend, but first and _foremost_ for the man who had stood at her side through everything for the last twenty three years. For the man who had known her better than she knew herself, for the man who touched her soul, and for the man whose _soul_ that she had held. For that man's sake she _must_ act. For _that_ man she must make up for what time, the journey and the bad decisions that she had made, even through ignorance had taken away. For that man, she must be true to the promise that she made long ago in response to his,

That she would be for him

**_Always._**

Distance would never again be a factor

Death would not break their bond.

Time would not stop her from what she had to do.

The end

**Part 26: The Beginning of the End.**


End file.
